Overview

Without exception, birth fathers who release their parental rights experience a range of feelings, including a sense of loss. Even the most seemingly disinterested birth father – despite his relief, despite his eagerness to sign the papers, despite his apparent urge to flee – still experiences a loss.

"There is not enough space to quote all the men who said that they remembered their adopted children constantly. The men expressed their profound grief at the loss of the children and partners and spoke of their memories as though the child had died. They described deep feelings of loss that resonated throughout their lives. Not only had they lost a child and a partner but some felt a loss of self-esteem and some a loss of virility. Their losses included a loss of manhood."
- "Original Fathers: An Exploration into the Experiences of Birth Fathers Involved in Adoption in the Mid-20th Century," by Celia Witney

The birth father is often overlooked when we think of grief and loss in the adoption process. In the second segment Understanding the Birth Father Experience, entitled A Death in the Family, birth fathers describe their emotions following the birth and relinquishment of their babies.

Every birth father's experience is unique and is affected by such factors as their involvement in the decision-making and planning process, whether or not they saw and held their child, the degree of openness (if any) in their adoption, and their relationship with the birth mother, among other factors. There are predictable stages in the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, acceptance.

Consider the following questions after viewing this segment: Grief and Loss

▶ As you listened to the birth fathers' stories, what were some of the indications of their experience of grief and loss?

▶ How is a birth father's grief and loss after relinquishing a child different from another person's grief and loss after a death or divorce? What makes a birth father's grieving process so challenging?

▶ What signs did you see in the video of grief or loss that remained unresolved for a long time (or that may, in fact, be unresolved even now)?

▶ How could a helping professional (or how would you) have helped these birth fathers grieve?