WEBVTT

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(gentle music)

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<v ->If you love your children,</v>

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you better be aware that you're loving

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all that comes with them.

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And what comes with them, whether you know them or not,

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is the family from which they spring.

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And that honoring of that is the beginning for me

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of open adoptions.

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<v ->Open adoption is a form of adoption</v>

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where the child has a continuing relationship

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with his or her birth family.

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<v ->I think open adoption is anytime an adoption</v>

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is not closed.

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<v ->Having access, having an open communication channel</v>

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to get more information.

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<v ->It's this idea that we will make room for each other</v>

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and accept each other and welcome each other,

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that, you know, we'll take turns kind of holding the power,

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but we'll do that respectfully.

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<v ->The degree of openness, the nature of the relationship,</v>

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the frequency of contact,

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the role the birth family will play in the child's life,

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all of those decisions will be made by the families.

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There are many different ways to conduct an open adoption,

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literally dozens of variations on the theme.

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And like any other relationship,

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an open adoption will likely change over time.

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But it is not so much the mechanics

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that define open adoption,

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it is the attitude and intentions of the adults involved.

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Still, open adoptions that work,

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typically share certain characteristics in common.

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In an open adoption,

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the birth parents choose and typically meet the families

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they will entrust to raise their child.

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Good open adoptions are always child centered.

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They're based on trust, they're sustained by goodwill,

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genuine concern for one another, and mutual respect.

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The participants are welcoming

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and hospitable to one another.

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The participants are committed to candor and honesty.

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The adoption is predicated on certain beliefs.

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<v ->That honesty is always preferable to secrecy,</v>

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that truth is always health producing in the long run.

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Maybe not so easy in the short run,

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but health producing in the long run,

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that mental health issues are based on lack of information

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and disinformation, misinformation.

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And what openness does is it keeps things above board.

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<v ->Secrets are never very good,</v>

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from any mental health point of view.

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And the fantasies that go with secrets are harmful.

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That reality is something one can deal with

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in a much better way than shadowy,

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lurky, dark, secret areas.

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<v ->Every child needs to know their history.</v>

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Every child has a right to know,

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not only their history on a piece of paper,

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but to have a concrete sense of who they are,

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where they came from.

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That's one of the benefits to openness in adoption,

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or open adoption.

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A benefit to birth families is knowing that that child

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is growing up healthy, happy, safe, well loved,

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well taken care of.

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And whether it's pictures and letters or visits,

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that can assure birth families that they made a good choice

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for this child.

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It also benefits adoptive families

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because adoptive families are enriched

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by knowing not only the birth families,

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not only by the extension of their own families

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to incorporate break the birth families,

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but by knowing more than just a written report

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about someone.

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The birth family becomes three dimensional to them.

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So they can look at their child and think,

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ah, you have that mannerism just like your birth mother,

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how wonderful that is for a child to know.

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<v ->But some adoptive parents are still fearful</v>

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about what open adoption could mean to their privacy,

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their parental authority,

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their child's ability to attach to them

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<v ->Is that that's where people's initial feelings are.</v>

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Well, does that mean I'm co-parenting?

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Does that mean I'm just a babysitter?

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Does that mean that they can leave me

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and go to that other family whenever they want to?

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Does that mean they get to come over anytime they want?

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Does that mean they can tell me what school

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my kids should go or what religion I should raise them?

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Does that mean we can't leave the state

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if we get a better job on the other side of the country?

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It's not any of those things.

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It's about preserving your children's linkages,

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that's what open adoptions is about,

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and holding it as a heritage that could be extremely

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valuable to them and will be very valuable to them,

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medically, emotionally, psychologically,

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in all of those ways.

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<v ->A birth parent should know that adoption</v>

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is a permanent decision.

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They need to understand that

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you're not relinquishing just part of your parental rights,

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and that you would still have a hold on that child,

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and be able to make decisions.

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She needs to understand that it is a complete relinquishing

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of her rights and her responsibilities.

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You're finding someone to become a parent for this child

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and letting go completely.

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You will have a different role in that child's life.

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<v ->Some birth parents worry about confusing the children</v>

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with too many parent figures.

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<v ->It can be confusing if the adults in that child's life</v>

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is confused and conflicted, okay?

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If they're very clear, it's very easy.

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You have two sets of grandparents, right?

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You have the mother's side, father's side,

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so would that be confusing?

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Which one do I call grandma and grandpa and whatever else?

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So, you know, those kinds of things,

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if the parents are confused

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then you're gonna confuse the child.

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But if you're very clear,

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then the child can view you very clear.

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<v ->Or they hesitate to interfere with the adoptive family.</v>

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<v ->Our couples do an open adoption</v>

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because they love the birth mother

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and they want to have her as part of their family

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and part of their life.

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And they plan the extent of the openness.

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<v ->Or they fear for themselves,</v>

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that it may be too painful to see the child

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they relinquished

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<v ->In adoption, if it's going to be an adoption,</v>

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there is a termination of parental rights.

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So the birth parents are no longer going to be the parents,

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forever and ever, and the adoptive parents are.

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But we've never said anything about a termination

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of psychological or emotional connections.

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And those are incredibly important to the child

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and the child should be the center

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of what we're talking about,

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because without the child,

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we wouldn't even be talking about adoption,

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let alone open adoption.

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So I think that people are fearful.

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I think birth parents are fearful.

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They feel it will be too painful

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that if they just place this baby and run away,

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they can forget about it.

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What they understand later, developmentally,

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is that's really not possible.

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And what adoptive parents realize is as the child grows,

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is that this child is theirs, totally theirs,

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and they shouldn't have been worried about such things.